In Hot Water
by J. B. Tilton
Summary: When the water heater goes out in the manor, the girls discover that it can only be replaced by bureaucracy demons. And this, it turns out, is the good news.
1. Chapter 1

CHARMED

"In Hot Water"

By J. B. Tilton (a.k.a. NoAzMale) and Teri Thibeault (a.k.a. K

Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

When the water heater goes out in the manor, the girls discover that it can only be replaced by bureaucracy demons. And this, it turns out, is the good news.

ONE

Leo and Cole came up out of the basement. Both of their shoes and socks were soaked through. They also had water all over them as if they had been splashing around in a pool. Piper, Phoebe, and Paige were waiting in the kitchen for them.

"Well?" Piper questioned. "Did you find out what the problem is?"

"Yes," said Leo. "Apparently the water heater has gone bad. There's water all over the basement."

"The drain got plugged," said Cole. "We were able to clear the plug and it shouldn't be long before the water drains away."

"The bad news is I think the water heater needs to be replaced," said Leo. "I shut off the water and we won't be able to turn it back on until we replace the water heater."

"Great," said Piper. "How much is that going to cost?"

"Well," said Leo, "to be honest I've never replaced a water heater before. But I think they run about $400.00 or $500.00 each. It will depend on the type, brand, size, all kinds of things."

"Five hundred dollars?" Piper howled. "Oh that's great. How long will it take to replace?"

"Not long," said Leo. "Maybe a couple of hours. I've never replaced one but I looked it over. It seems pretty straight forward."

"Well," said Piper, looking at her watch, "by the time we get to the store it will be closed. I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one."

"What?" Phoebe asked. "What are we going to do without water? We can't do the dishes, can't take showers, I won't even be able to brush my teeth. What are we supposed to do until we get the new water heater hooked up?"

"We deal with it," said Piper.

"That's easy for you to say," said Paige. "If I go to work without a shower I'll be running the clients off. My boss isn't going to very happy about that."

"We'll deal with it," said Piper. "I don't see we have much other choice."

"Well," said Paige, "I suppose I could call my boss in the morning and ask for the morning off. I'm sure he'll understand when I explain why."

"That's the spirit," said Cole. "We can just pretend we're camping or something."

"I hate camping," said Phoebe.

"Look," said Piper, "we'll go down to the store the first thing in the morning and get a new water heater. We'll bring it home and Leo and Cole can hook it up for us. With any luck we'll have the water back on by noon and this will all be behind us."

"Fine," said Phoebe. "I guess one night without a shower won't hurt me."

"Good," said Leo. "With Cole's help I should be able to hook it up pretty quickly."

"Me?" questioned Cole. "Why me? I've never done anything like that before."

"Because," said Phoebe, "you and Leo are the men of the house. It's your job to do all the dirty, heavy work."

"Really?" questioned Cole. "What happened to being independent and standing on your own?"

"Being independent also means knowing when to let someone else do the work," said Piper. "Come on, Leo. Since I can't do dishes might as well take advantage of the situation and see what's on television."

"Morning folks," said a young sales clerk at the appliance store the next morning, "what can we help you with today?"

"We're looking for a hot water heater," said Piper.

"Why would you need that?" asked the clerk.

"Because the one we have right now has gone bad," said Phoebe.

"Yeah, but why do you need a hot water heater for?" asked the clerk. "Hot water doesn't need heating." He then laughed out loud. "Sorry, he said. Just a little joke, that's all."

"A very little joke," said Piper, no humor in her voice.

"I wrote down the information on the old one," said Leo, handing the young man a piece of paper. "We were hoping you might be able to suggest one comparable to it."

"Let's see," said the man, looking at the paper. "Boy, this is an old one. I think they stopped making this particular model about twenty years ago. But I think I can get you a substitute that should work even better than the old one."

They followed him down an aisle that held a large number of water heaters. Finally the clerk stopped in front of one particular water heater.

"This one is perfect," said the clerk. "Actually it's twenty-five percent larger than the old one. In addition it heats water about thirty percent faster. And it's one of our most energy efficient models."

"How much is it?" Piper asked.

"$699.00," replied the clerk. "Now, before you freak out just let me say that the rating on this water heater is guaranteed to reduce your water bill by ten to fifteen percent per year. And it has a fifteen year warranty. And with approved credit we have a very reasonable payment plan."

"You get paid commission, don't you?" Cole asked.

"Well, yes, I do," replied the clerk.

"I thought so," said Cole. "You're a very good salesman."

"Thanks," said the clerk, smiling.

"What about other water heaters?" Piper asked. "Do you have something that maybe isn't quite so expensive?"

"Well, we do have a couple of other models," said the clerk. "But they're actually smaller than the one you have now. And to be honest they aren't the best buy. I know this seems kind of expensive but to tell you the truth it really is your best buy. Trust me, you'll save money in the long run."

"Okay, I guess we'll take it," said Piper. "I assume you take credit cards?"

"Absolutely," said the clerk. "And we even offer free delivery."

"That's okay," said Leo. "We'll take it with us. With any luck I should be able to have it installed very soon."

"Oh, are you a licensed plumber?" the clerk asked.

"Not really," said Leo. "I'm more of a handyman. But I'm sure I can install a simple water heater."

"I have no doubt of that," said the clerk. "Unfortunately the city passed a new ordinance last year. Water heaters can only be installed by a licensed plumber. And I can't even sell it to you unless you show you have a licensed plumber that can install it."

"That's ridiculous," said Phoebe. "It's only a water heater."

"A great many of which are installed improperly," said the clerk. "It's part of the city's effort to cut costs."

"This is just great," said Piper. "Now we have to hire a plumber."

"If you'd like I could recommend someone," said the clerk. "I know a guy who's very good and he'll even give you a break on the price of installing it."

"Well," said Leo, "I guess we don't have much of a choice. Otherwise we'll have to wait until we can find a plumber who can install it and that might take a few days."

"Fine," said Piper. "Let's just get this finished."

"I'll call my friend as soon as we're done here," said the clerk. "And like I said, we offer free delivery. He can bring it by this afternoon and I'm sure he can have it hooked up before dinner."

"That will be fine," said Piper. "Ring me up. I need to get home to take an aspirin."


	2. Chapter 2

TWO

Piper answered the doorbell at the manor. When she opened the door a very large man holding a clipboard was standing on the front porch.

"Hello," said the man. "My name is Dagas Morna. Denny sent me. The clerk at the appliance store? He said you needed a plumber to install a water heater."

Piper looked at her watch.

"Wow, that was quick," she said. "It's been less than an hour."

"Denny said you seemed to be in kind of a hurry," said Morna. "I have the water heater outside. I assume it goes in the basement. That's where they were usually put in these old houses."

"Yes, it is," said Piper. "It might be easier if you brought it in the back door, through the kitchen."

"Okay, boys," Morna said, looking over his shoulder, "take it around back. We're going in the back door."

He turned back to Piper.

"Now," he said, showing her what appeared to be a license, "this is my plumbers license. I've installed hundreds of these and I can assure you that it won't take long at all. Plus you'll be getting a professional discount of fifteen percent. It's standard in cases like this. Now, where is the kitchen?"

"Right through there," said Piper, pointing to the kitchen. "The basement door is to the left."

"Thanks," said Morna, walking past her. "I'll get started right away. My guess is I'll have that puppy put in in less than an hour."

"Thanks," said Piper.

Just then Cole and Phoebe came down the stairs. They watched as Morna just smiled at them and then went into the kitchen.

"Who's that?" Phoebe asked.

"The plumber," said Piper.

"He got here fast," said Cole looking at his watch. "I've never known a plumber to show up so quickly."

"Well, the clerk at the appliance store told him we were in a hurry," said Piper. "He even said we were getting a professional discount of fifteen percent."

"Professional discount?" Cole asked. "What kind of professional discount?"

"He didn't say," said Piper. "He just said he'd have it in in less than an hour."

"Piper," said Paige coming out of the kitchen, "did you know there's a Mr. Morna heading into the basement?"

"Yeah, he's the plumber," said Piper.

"Morna?" questioned Cole. "Is that his name?"

"Yes," said Piper. "Dagas Morna. He said that was his name. I just figured he was foreign. Why?"

"It's probably nothing," said Cole. "It just sounds a lot like durkas marnia. In some demonic dialects murkas marnia means laborer or worker. It's usually used to refer to someone who works a specialized form of menial type labor."

"Like a plumber?" Piper questioned.

"Well, I suppose you could look at it that way," said Cole. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. How could the clerk know a demon after all?"

"Maybe we should find out," said Piper. "The water heater isn't the only thing in the basement. The Nexus is also down there."

"Not to mention the Woogie," said Phoebe.

Piper headed into the kitchen, Phoebe and Cole close behind. As they entered the kitchen Morna was standing at the basement door directing some men who were busy negotiating the new water heater down the steps.

"Excuse me," said Piper.

"Yeah, just a second," said Morna. "Okay, that's good, guys. Just get it to the bottom of the steps and start unhooking the old one. Is the water shut off?" he asked Piper.

"Yeah, it is," said Cole. "We shut it off when the water heater started spewing water all over the place."

"Good," said Morn. He turned back to the stairs. "Once you get the old water heater unhooked, move it out of the way and move the new one into place. I'll be right down to hook it up."

He turned to face Piper.

"Something I could help you with, ma'am?" he asked, smiling.

"I was just curious," said Piper. "What did you say your name was again?"

"It's Durkas Marnia," said Marnia. "Just like it says on the license."

"Cole," said Phoebe fearfully.

"Hang on a second," said Cole. "Something doesn't seem right here. It's not like a demon to just come out and admit who it is like that. You said that Piper was getting a professional discount on the installation. What kind of professional discount?"

"Why, because she's a witch, of course," said Marnia. "We always give a fifteen percent discount to non-mortals. It's a standard part of doing business on the mortal plane."

"I see," said Cole. He turned to Piper. "Don't get all freaked out. You don't have anything to worry from him. He's. . . only interested in doing his job."

"Wait a minute," said Phoebe. "Are you saying he's a bureaucracy demon?"

"Yeah," said Cole.

"Oh, this is just great," said Piper. "Not only does it cost me an arm and a leg to replace the water heater, but I have to let a bureaucracy demon install it for me? This just gets better and better every minute."

"Ms. Halliwell," said Marnia. "I'm the best plumber in the city. I guarantee once I have the water heater installed you won't have a bit of trouble with it."

"Just hurry up and get it in and then get out of my house," said Piper, doing her best to control her temper.

Just then Leo came into the kitchen.

"I, uh, noticed there were other people in the house," he said. "Did the plumber get here all ready?"

"You mean the bureaucracy demon plumber?" Piper asked. "Yeah, he got here a few minutes ago."

"Bureaucracy demon?" Leo questioned.

"Durkas Marnia," said the plumber extending his hand for Leo to shake, "licensed plumber."

"Nice to meet you," said Leo, confused. "You're a bureaucracy demon?"

"Well, it's not like I go around announcing it," said Marnia. "But considering the girls are witches and all it doesn't seem like a big deal if you know it. Do, uh, you live here, too?"

"Yes," said Leo. "Piper's my wife."

"Oh, well, that changes things," said Marnia. "If you're married to her and you live here then that would make this an embassy. Embassy's get a thirty percent discount instead of the normal fifteen."

"Embassy?" Piper questioned.

"Yeah," said Marnia. "He's a White Lighter. That means his residence on the mortal plane is a White Lighter embassy. So he gets the thirty percent discount."

"Well that's something at least," said Phoebe.

Suddenly one of the demon workers came up from the basement. Marnia turned to the worker.

"Sereht a melborp sriatsnwod," said the worker. "I kniht duoy retteb emoc evah a kool ta siht."

"What did he say?" Piper asked.

"He said there's a problem downstairs," said Cole.

"You speak demonese?" Marnia questioned. "That would make you a demon. That particular dialect is extremely difficult for a non-demon to master."

"Let's just say I've been exposed to it before," said Cole.

"Problem?" questioned Piper. "What kind of problem?"

"Well now, I won't know until I have a chance to go found out it is," said Marnia.

He turned and headed for the basement, everyone else close behind.


	3. Chapter 3

THREE

"So he's got demonic workers working for him?" Piper questioned as they descended the stairs to the basement. "And apparently they don't speak English."

"Actually, I prefer the term illegal aliens," said Marnia. "It makes things so much simpler. And I'm afraid when you deal with them you have to deal with the fact that they don't speak any mortal tongues. Oh, they understand mortal tongues all right but they just can't seem to learn to speak them for some reason."

"He said something about a problem," Cole said.

"Sti revo ereh," said the worker demon. "Fi staht tahw I kniht ti si neht ew evah a suoires melborp."

"That's so annoying," said Piper. "What's he ranting about now?"

"This," said Marnia pointing to a place in the floor that looked like a section that had been sealed over. "Apparently there's something down there. Something that I wasn't told about."

"Oh, that," said Phoebe. "That's nothing really. Just a crack we had to fix after the last earthquake, that's all."

"Nice try," said Marnia. "Except it's a lot more than that. There's some kind of power down there. And some kind of entity, too. Whatever it is is very powerful. Before I can install the water heater I need to know what it is."

"Is that really necessary?" Leo asked. "It's never been a problem with the last water heater."

"Hey, how can I know that?" asked Marnia. "Look, I got rules to follow. Before I can install any equipment I have to know if there's anything that might interfere with it. It may not have been a problem with the old water heater but this is a new one. Unless I know what that is down there I can't be sure there won't be a problem later on."

"You'd better tell him," said Cole. "Remember, bureaucracy demons are sticklers for the rules. He's not going to do anything until we tell him what's down there."

"Okay, fine," said Piper. "The house is built over the Nexus. And the entity you're sensing is a shadow-like creature we call the Woogie. But it's not going to be a problem. We sealed it away with a Power of Three spell. It's safely contained and it isn't going to be a problem with the water heater."

"Nexus?" gasped Marnia. "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how powerful a Nexus is? Oh, this changes everything. I'm going to have to bring in an inspector to make sure everything is up to code. I haven't seen any code licenses or anything like that. And if this has to do with a Nexus then we'd better make sure that everything is up to code before we go any further."

"Is that really necessary?" Leo asked. "They're the Charmed Ones. If they say it's contained you can bet that it's contained."

"Sorry," said Marnia. "Rules are rules. A Nexus isn't something to mess with."

"Just how long is this going to take?" Piper asked.

"Not long," said Marnia. "I can get one in here right away. I'm sure it's just a formality. But I can't proceed until we have a proper inspection done."

"Just get it done," said Piper. "We've been without water too long all ready. Just get the inspector here, get the inspection or whatever you have to do done, and then get the water heater installed."

She turned and stormed back up the stairs. The others followed her, leaving Marnia and his workers alone in the basement.

"Piper, calm down," said Leo. "It's like he said, it's just a formality. I'm sure this will all be cleared up in no time at all."

"It had better be," said Piper. "I want the water back on as soon as possible."

"It will be, I'm sure," said Leo.

"Leo's right," said Cole. "Bureaucracy demons are the best at what they do. Once the inspector is finished Marnia will install the water heater and it will be all over."

"Okay," said Piper, calming herself. "I just don't like demons in the manor. Especially demons that we can't vanquish."

"Remember, they aren't really demons," said Cole. "Not in the traditional sense. Good and evil don't interest them. Only their rules and regulations interest them. You don't have to worry about them attacking you or trying to steal anything. In fact, I've never even heard of a bureaucracy demon in any kind of a fight."

"They're demons," said Paige. "That should be enough to want them out of the manor. Aren't you afraid they might tell the Source or some other demon that you're here?"

"Not really," said Cole. "My problems with the underworld don't interest them any more than anything else does. Marnia is only interested in installing the water heater and whatever may be related to it."

Suddenly a figure simply appeared in the kitchen. He was obviously of demonic nature but he appeared less than threatening. He was wearing a shirt and tie but no coat. His horn-rimmed glasses were pushed up on his forehead as he looked over a clipboard with a large amount of paper on it.

"Is this the Halliwell residence?" he asked, not looking up from the clipboard.

"Uh, yes, it is," said Piper. "Who are you?"

"Name's Mr. Mervin," said the demon. "I'm with M.I.O.D."

"M.I.O.D.?" questioned Paige.

"Metaphysical Installation and Oversight Division," said Mr. Mervin. "We're the ones who make sure that all residences and businesses are up to code. Marnia contacted me and said you needed an inspection to install a water heater. You're lucky I was available. Had a couple of cancellations."

"He's in the basement," said Phoebe, pointing to the basement door.

"Great," said Mr. Mervin. "This shouldn't take long. Records show this is a White Lighter embassy and the home of the Charmed Ones. Can't see there would be much problem in a place like this. I'm sure everything is in order. Just need to get the paperwork in order. Be back in a few."

Without another word he went into the basement.

"What kinds of problems could there possibly be in the basement?" Paige asked.

"I don't know," said Leo. "But he's probably right. The basement's been there a long time. There might be a few minor problems but if there was anything serious I'm sure we'd have known about it by now."

"I just hope this doesn't delay them putting the water heater in for long," said Phoebe. "I really need a shower."

"It probably won't take the inspector long to do his inspection and issue whatever form he needs for Marnia to install the water heater," said Cole. "Everyone just relax and let the inspector do his job and this will probably be over before you know it."

The sisters, Leo, and Cole sat in the kitchen chatting as they waited for the inspector to finish. The conversation was stiff and forced since they were all more interested in what was going on in the basement than what they were chatting about. Piper kept glancing at the basement door hoping to see the inspector come back upstairs and put an end to the whole ordeal.

Finally Mr. Mervin came out of the basement, looking over his clipboard. Marnia was right behind him and neither of the demons looked particularly happy. Marnia had a look on his face that indicated he was resigned to something. Mr. Mervin's face was furrowed in an expression of either confusion or indecision. Piper stood up and faced the demons.

"So what's the verdict?" she asked. "Can Marnia please put in the water heater now?"

"I'm afraid there are a few things you'll need to take care of before he can do that," said Mr. Mervin. "I've found a whole list of things that need to be fixed first. And until they're fixed I'm afraid I can't allow him to do any work in the basement. In fact, due to the infractions I've found, I'm afraid the premises will have to be vacated until everything is put in order. It's much too dangerous for anyone to inhabit this house in its current condition."

Everyone just stared at Mr. Mervin in disbelief.


	4. Chapter 4

FOUR

"What?" Piper nearly screamed. "You have got to be joking."

"I'm afraid not," said Mr. Mervin. "Regulations require that all inhabitants exit the premises until all the infractions are corrected."

"Infractions?" questioned Phoebe. "What infractions?"

"To start with," said Mr. Mervin, looking over the papers on his clipboard, "there's improper lighting in the basement. In addition, there are insufficient supports for the manor."

"Insufficient supports?" Piper asked. "We've lived here all out lives and there hasn't been any problems with the supports in the past."

"Well, for a regular house, yes," said Mr. Mervin. "But for a house that sits over a Nexus they are totally inadequate for the power a Nexus contains. Can you imagine the destruction that would ensue if that power should ever suddenly explode?"

"How could it possibly explode?" Paige asked.

"You'd be surprised," said Mr. Mervin. "And there are the other violations as well."

"What other violations?" Piper asked.

"Let's see," said Mr. Mervin. "Lack of proper ventilation. No license for containment of a Level V neutral magic power generator. That would be the Nexus. There's also the absence of insulation material to prevent contamination by the sister's powers. And the absence of any warning system for inadequate power seepage from a Level V neutral magic power generator, i.e. the above mentioned Nexus.

"I also have not found any first aid preparations. Lack of proper insurance for a Level V neutral magic power generator. No warning signs posted at least fifty feet from the Level V neutral magic power generator. I also have not seen any valid insurance certificate properly posted. And since this is a residential zone, you have a zoning code violation for having a Level V neutral magic power generator in your basement."

"Is that all?" Phoebe asked.

"Not by a long shot," said Mr. Mervin, flipping to the second page on his clipboard. "Let's see. You also have no permits to build a structure over a Level V neutral power generator. And as a residence this is an unauthorized structure built over a Level V neutral magic power generator. I also found evidence of repairs in the containment area by an unlicensed technician. And there are no warning signs posted advising people of the said repairs by an unlicensed technician."

"This has got to be a joke," said Piper. "You can't possibly expect us to believe all of that's wrong with our basement. Like Phoebe said, we've lived here all of our lives and there's never been any problem with it."

"I haven't even mentioned the customary gratuity offered to the inspector to overlook minor discrepancies," said Mr. Mervin. "And I also noticed there no previous inspection certificates or certificates indicating a previous gratuity to the previous inspector."

"Gratuity?" Paige questioned. "What gratuity?"

"A bribe," said Cole. "It's customary to offer the inspector a bribe to overlook any minor infractions."

"All set forth in the Metaphysical Installation and Oversight Division handbook and bartenders' guide," said Mr. Mervin.

"How long to get all of these things fixed?" Piper asked.

"Well," said Marnia, scratching his head, "I suppose I could pull some guys off of some other jobs and concentrate on this one exclusively. If we start right away it shouldn't take long. About eight or ten months at most."

"Eight or ten months?" Phoebe asked. "Where are we supposed to stay for ten months?"

"Not my problem lady," said Mr. Mervin. "All I can tell you is that until all of the violations have been taken care of this place is considered uninhabitable."

"Well, we aren't leaving, that's for sure," said Piper.

"In which case I will have no choice but to condemn the entire building and order its immediate demolition," said Mr. Mervin.

"You can't do that," said Leo. "What about this being my embassy? I was under the impression that as a White Lighter embassy the manor was except from bureaucratic rules and regulations."

"Normally that's true," said Mr. Mervin. "However health and safety concerns override the diplomatic immunity of the embassy. It's clearly spelled out in book 17, section 23 of the Inter-dimensional Diplomats Immunity Provisions of the treaty regarding Other World embassies."

"Okay look," began Piper.

Just then a cell phone began to ring. Mr. Mervin excused himself and pulled a phone out of his pocket and answered it.

"Hey, baby. I've told you it's not a good idea to call me when I'm working."

"Excuse me," said Piper.

"Yeah, yeah, just a sec," Mr. Mervin said to her. Then he went back to his phone call. "Yes, I'm working right now. Well, I'm not sure. Didn't we go out with them just a couple of weeks ago?"

"I don't believe this," said Piper. "He's answering a personal call while we're still in the middle of this."

"Look," said Marnia, "I can get started on this right away. The sooner we get started on this the sooner we can get it done. I might be able to cut the time down some," he lowered his voice, "if we cut a few corners. I know how to make it look like it's up to code without having to do all the actual work."

Just then one of the workers came up the stairs and stood next to Marnia.

"Yeah, what is it?" Marnia asked.

"Did eh yas taht ereht saw emos krow enod no eht retaw retaehh yb na dezirohtuanu naicinhcet?" the worker asked.

"Apparently," said Marnia.

The worker started speaking incredibly fast. Marnia was trying to quiet him but he seemed to be ignoring his boss. Suddenly the worker stepped to the door to the basement and called down the steps. The other three workers came up and the four of them stormed out the back door.

"Well this isn't good," said Cole.

"What isn't?" Piper asked.

"Apparently," said Cole, "the little bit of work that Leo and I did on the water heater violated some kind of demonic union rules. It seems the workers are now on strike."

"That's not all," said Marnia. "It seems that my foreman recognize Belthazor here. You lied to me. You said you weren't a demon."

"I never said that," said Cole. "I said I had been exposed to demonese in the past. I never said I wasn't part demon."

"Well anyway," said Marnia, "it's a well known fact that you vanquished the Triad. When you did that all your memberships in all of your demonic orders were suspended. That means you're not allowed on the premises while the work's being done. My foreman says as long as you're here the crew won't do any work."

"Sure, honey, I'll be home at the regular time," said Mr. Mervin. He hung up his cell phone and turned back to Piper. "Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah, you'll have to vacate the premises while until the place can be brought up to code. Otherwise the place will have to be condemned."

"Could this get any better?" Piper asked. "Where are we supposed to stay for the next eight or ten months?"

"Not my problem, lady," said Mr. Mervin.

"Okay, this is just ridiculous," said Paige. "There must be someone higher up that we can talk to about this."

"Well, you could talk to the department head," said Mr. Mervin.

"Fine," said Piper. "Get him up here right now."

"Oh, that's going to be a bit of a problem," said Mr. Mervin. "He just went on vacation. Won't be back for six weeks. Took his girlfriend with him I understand. I'm sure his wife would be interested in it, but then, it's none of my business."

"Six week?" Phoebe gasped. "Who goes on vacation for six weeks?"

"The department head," said Mr. Mervin, as if it were an every day occurrence. "Look, I know this is an inconvenience and you seem like a nice lady. Plus it is a White Lighter embassy. Normally you're required to vacate the premises immediately. But seeing as how my boss is on vacation and I don't want to be tied up all afternoon doing paperwork, I'll give you forty-eight hours. That should give you time to find some place to stay while Marnia is doing the repairs. Until the repairs are done this place is uninhabitable by humans and you'll all have to leave. I'll return in forty-eight hours to make sure you've vacated the premises."

Mr. Mervin suddenly disappeared from the kitchen.


	5. Chapter 5

FIVE

"Okay, now what do we do?" Piper demanded.

"Well, like I said," said Marnia, "it is possible for me to cut some corners. When Mr. Mervin comes back for his reinspection even if he notices the short cuts he's real likely to overlook them if it looks right. That should reduce repair time from ten months to say five or six months."

"We can still offer Mr. Mervin a gratuity," said Cole. "It will have to be higher than normal but it should get him to 'overlook' some of the more minor violations."

"How long if he overlooks those violations?" Paige asked.

"Three months," said Marnia. "Maybe four depending on the size of the gratuity and how many of them he's willing to overlook."

"Is there anything else we can do to shorten that time?" Phoebe asked.

"I'm afraid not," said Marnia. "Like anything else there are ways to shorten the process but there are just so many things I can do to do that. Even just the basics will take at least two months. Just ordering the parts will probably take one or two months. Some of the parts we need are special order items and no one carries those in stock.

"Then there are the permits and licenses to actually do the work. Not to mention the survey that will be needed to identify the actual work that needs to be done. Surveys can take from two to four weeks. And the licenses usually require at least three weeks to process. I have a friend in the licensing bureau so I'm pretty sure I can get them expedited. But right now that's not our biggest problem."

"There's more?" Piper asked.

"Not exactly," said Marnia. "It's about the workers. They're on strike and I'm not sure what to do about getting them back to work."

"Why are they on strike?" Leo asked.

"Because of what the two or you did," said Marnia. "According to union labor laws, any work done by an unauthorized technician becomes the responsibility of the union workers who then take over the job. If something goes wrong, even if it has nothing to do with what they did, they're held responsible. Which means they could not only forfeit their pay on this job but they could also have their union cards revoked meaning they can't work on any future jobs."

"Demons have a union?" Paige asked. "I would think unions and demons weren't compatible."

"We're bureaucracy demons, remember?" Marnia asked. "Unions are an inherent part of a bureaucracy. In fact, we're the ones who originated the idea."

"So, what do we need to do to get them back to work?" Leo asked.

"First," said Marnia, looking at Cole, "he has to leave. As long as he's here there's no way they're coming back to work. Not only is he an unauthorized worker he's also a suspended demon. That has all kinds of ramifications of its own."

"You. . . you don't think they'll say anything to another demon, do you?" Phoebe asked.

"Probably not," said Marnia. "If they do they risk letting the upper echelon know they've actually started working on the water heater. Just carrying the new water heater down the stairs could be enough to violate the union rules since unauthorized technicians have all ready worked on it. They won't want to risk anyone finding out about that. But until Belthazor leaves, they won't even talk about coming back to work."

"And where is he supposed to go?" Phoebe asked.

"Can't help with that," said Marnia. "Maybe he could stay with relatives or something. His parents, grandparents, a sibling, something like that. I'm sure they'll understand under the circumstances."

"No, that's not much of an option," said Cole. "It's complicated."

"Well, don't know what else to tell you," said Marnia. "I don't have anything to do with that. My only responsibility is to do the work on the water heater. And I'm bound to follow the decisions of the inspector."

"Grandfather," Cole said thoughtfully.

"What?" Piper asked. "What about your grandfather?"

"Huh?" Cole questioned. "Oh, nothing. Just something I thought of. Look, this isn't going to be much of a problem. I know a few places I can hang out for a while. I have to move around anyway to keep the bounty hunters off my trail. I'll just need to know where you guys will be staying when I get back."

"We can leave a message for you at the mausoleum," said Phoebe. "That way even if you're not there when we go there you'll know where we are."

"Good," said Cole. "I'll get going now. The sooner I get out of here the sooner you can see about getting the workers back to work."

"Be careful," said Phoebe kissing him. "It's bad enough you hiding out here where we can protect you. It will be even worse at a strange location we're not used to."

"I'll be careful," said Cole.

He kissed her back and then shimmered out of the manor.

"Okay, now what?" Piper asked.

"Well," said Marnia, "I'll need to talk to the workers. With Belthazor gone it should be easier for me to persuade them to come back to work. But they're probably going to want extra pay to compensate them for the risks they're taking."

"I'll get my checkbook," said Piper. "Just how much do you think this is going to cost me now?"

"I'm afraid your checkbook isn't going to be much use here," said Marnia. "They don't have a lot of use for money. I'm afraid the extra pay is going to be somewhat different from the type of 'pay' you humans are used to."

"What kind of pay?" Paige asked.

"It might be better if you didn't ask," said Leo. "I've heard of the types of pay that demons get. It's probably not something you're interested in hearing about."

"Oh, okay," said Piper. "Do you think you can talk them into going back to work?"

"I'll do my best," said Marnia. "Let me go see what I can do."

Marnia left the kitchen by the back door to talk to the workers leaving the others alone in the kitchen. Piper wasn't sure what they were going to do. Leaving the manor for four months was simply not an option.


	6. Chapter 6

SIX

Marnia was gone more than two hours. In truth, the girls and Leo had expected him to be gone much longer. They had imagined the arguments Marnia had to go through to convince his workers to return to work.

"Well," said Marnia, "I finally convinced them to return to work. I did have to make a few concessions, however."

"What kinds of concessions?" Phoebe asked.

"Double pay for all work, for one thing," said Marnia. "Actually, I expected to pay much more than that. I've all ready told them that Belthazor has left and that seemed to pacify them to a good degree. Their major concern, however, is the work all ready done on the water heater by unauthorized technicians."

"Cole and me," said Leo.

"Precisely," said Marnia. "They're afraid that the work you did will be discovered and they'll loose their union privileges. I can't say I blame them. Without their union privileges they can't work."

"So what did you come up with?" Phoebe asked.

"It's quite simple," said Marnia. "If the work wasn't done by an unauthorized technician then there's no problem. The workers can return to work without any fear of reprisals from the higher echelon."

"But how can we do that?" Leo asked. "I don't belong to any union except the White Lighter's union. How can we claim the work wasn't done by an unauthorized technician?"

"By having you join the union," said Marnia, handing Leo an application. "It should be very easy. I understand that you used to moonlight as a handyman to keep watch over your charges. That will go a very long way to getting your application accepted by the union executives. Plus I can vouch for your competency in the work, precluding any need for any testing to make sure you have the requisite skills to belong to the union. And I'm even willing to pay your first years' dues to expedite the process. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have the union fees on such short notice."

"Wait a minute," said Piper. "Leo can't join your union. He's a White Lighter. He's forbidden from working with evil."

"Technically," said Marnia, "bureaucracy demons aren't evil. Not in the strictest sense of the word. Good and evil don't enter into our view of things. As I'm sure Belthazor must have told you, bureaucracy demons are only interested in their jobs and the paperwork that goes along with it. So the union isn't really an evil organization. It's just that since time immemorial only bureaucracy demons have ever belonged to the union. There are no rules or regulations that prohibit other magical creatures from belonging to it."

"I'm not sure," said Leo. "I'm not sure the Elders would approve of me joining even a bureaucracy demon union."

"It's the only way to get the workers back to work," said Marnia. "The only way to get the workers back to work is to make sure they aren't held accountable for the work of an unauthorized technician. The only way to do that is to have Ambassador Wyatt join the union making him an authorized technician. Otherwise there's no way they'll ever go back to work."

"Well," said Leo, "I suppose I could explain it to the Elders that it's helping to keep the girls from leaving the manor for four months and exposing the Nexus to possible evil control."

"Works for me," said Paige.

"So, if Leo joins this union," said Piper, "what kinds of ramifications could that have later on down the line?"

"Oh, not much," said Marnia. "It's not like he'll have to come work for me or anything. Belonging to the union doesn't mean he has to work. Well, not all the time anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Phoebe asked.

"Well," said Marnia, "according to union rules, in order to maintain good standing in the union, workers are required to be tested at least once a year. And pay their union dues, of course. But that won't be for at least another year. I'm sure he'll be able to come up with the dues by then."

"Why does he need to do that?" Piper asked. "Isn't he just joining the union to get the workers off the hook?"

"Yes," said Marnia, "but if he drops his membership or has his membership revoked for any reason within the first five years, all of the jobs he was involved in during that time could come under scrutiny. After five years he can quietly drop his membership without any fear of that."

"I have to belong to the union for five years?" Leo asked.

"Like I said," said Marnia, "it's not like you have to actually do any work. Just once a year you'll have to do some major repair of some kind and I'll have to inspect it to make sure the work is done properly so I can revalidate your license. All workers are required to do it as long as they belong to the union."

"Well, that shouldn't be much of a problem," said Phoebe. "With all the demon attacks we have around the manor Leo's always having to do repairs of one kind or another."

"There you go," said Marnia. "When he has to do some kind of repairs just give me a holler and I'll drop by and check out his work. I'm sure I won't have anything to worry about. I've noticed some repairs that have been done around here in the past and no one on my crew could have done a better job. After I inspect his work I can submit the proper paperwork to revalidate his union license and it will be over for another year."

"I guess that won't be too bad," said Leo. "I have been working as a handyman for quite a long time. And if I'm doing the work anyway I guess it couldn't hurt to have someone look it over. So, what do I have to do? Just fill out this application and turn it in?"

"Oh, there's the little matter of being sworn in to the union," said Marnia. "Merely a formality, I assure you. Then they'll issue you your union license. If the subject of the water heater should ever come up all you will need to do is show them your union license. With a union license no one is going to question any work you do. They'll just assume you got the card before you actually did any work."

"Isn't that dishonest?" Paige asked.

"Technically, no," said Marnia. "They'll ask if he did any work on the water heater and he'll say 'yes'. Then they'll ask him if he belongs to the union and he'll show them his union license. It's not his fault if they don't ask if he did any work before he joined the union. And in my twelve centuries in this business not one person has ever asked that particular question. In some respects bureaucracy demons can be very narrow-sighted."

"Just as long as I don't have to lie to anyone," said Leo. "As a White Lighter outright lying is not allowed in most cases."

"Not something you'll have to worry about," said Marnia. "As I said, I've never known anyone to ever ask that particular question. It only comes up with workers who don't have a union license."

"You called your workers illegal aliens," said Paige. "How can they be illegal aliens and still belong to the union? I would think their immigration status would be a major concern for a union."

"Actually," said Marnia, "the specific union they belong to is the Other World Menial Labor and Specialized Technical Workers Union. The union license is issued in the Other World Realm. There, they are legal residents so the question never comes up. And since the regulations don't specifically prohibit working on other planes, the license is still valid, even if they aren't legally permitted to be on that particular realm."

"And you aren't worried that might change?" Phoebe asked. "That they'll pass a law to change it so it does become illegal?"

"No," said Marnia. "The laws in this area are deliberately kept vague. If that were to ever change the red tape needed to do the simplest jobs would be prohibitive. So the lawmakers simply choose not to close certain loopholes. Of course for their consideration we usually give them a considerable discount on any work we have to do for them. I myself usually give them a one hundred percent discount, excluding materials of course. Believe me, everyone involved is very happy with the current situation of things."

"Okay, explain something to me," said Phoebe. "If Leo joins this union, doesn't that mean he actually becomes one of them?"

"Well, yes, it does," said Marnia. "That's the whole point of him doing it."

"What's your point, Phoebe?" Leo asked.

"Oh, just that once you join the union," said Phoebe, "you'll be more than just our brother-in-law and our White Lighter. If I understand it correctly that means you'll become one of them. It means that in addition to being a White Lighter, you'll also be a bureaucracy demon."

Leo just stared as his sister-in-law as the realization of that thought began to sink in.


	7. Chapter 7

SEVEN

"It's not really funny," said Piper, still trying to stifle a laugh. "This could cause problems for Leo."

In the hour that Leo and Marnia had been gone to get Leo into the union, the girls had been having trouble not making jokes about the situation. It was as much to relieve the tension of the problems with the water heater as it was that it was actually somewhat humorous. One of the most heralded White Lighters in their history was actually going to become a bureaucracy demon.

"I just hope he can explain it to the Elders," said Phoebe. "They can't be happy knowing that one of their White Lighters is also going to be classified as a demon, even if he's not technically a demon."

"Well, like he said," said Paige, "he can explain it so that it's actually helping us. That should help out some."

"But still," said Phoebe, "this has to be something of a first even for the White Lighters. I can't imagine any situation where something like this may have happened before."

"Or ever again," said Piper. "I would imagine situations like this don't happen every day."

"I hope not," said Phoebe. "We still aren't sure what we're going to do about it. We simply can't leave the manor unprotected for four months or more. It would give evil the perfect opportunity to try and take control of the Nexus and that we just can't let happen."

"We'll think of something," said Piper. "These are bureaucracy demons we're dealing with. All we have to do is find some technicality or loophole we can manipulate. There's always some way out. We just have to find out what it is."

"That's not going to be easy since we don't even know what the rules governing something like this are," said Paige.

"I'm not giving up yet," said Piper. "I'm not about to move out of the manor for one day, let alone several months."

Suddenly Leo and Marnia appeared in the manor. Since they were going to the bureaucracy realm, Marnia had decided it would be best if he transported them. Having a White Lighter suddenly orb in might have caused a lot of undue apprehension.

"Well, we're all set," said Marnia. "I just need to go explain this to the workers and I'm sure they'll be back at work right away."

"So I assume you got your license?" Piper asked Leo.

He held up the small card that identified him as a member of the Other World Menial Labor and Specialized Technical Workers Union. The picture on the card looked like Leo but it looked not unlike the picture on a drivers' license.

"Congratulations, brother-in-law," said Phoebe, doing her best to stifle a smile. "You realize we'll have to keep a potion on hand."

"Potion?" questioned Leo. "For what?"

"Well," said Phoebe, "now that you're classified as a demon we may have to vanquish you one day. By the way, Piper will need a piece of your flesh to make the potion with."

"Very funny," said Piper, as Phoebe and Paige began to laugh at Phoebe's joke. "Don't mind them, sweetheart. They're just having some fun at your expense."

"It's not funny," said Leo very somberly. "The Elders nearly went ballistic. They absolutely refused to let me join the union."

"I assume you managed to change their minds," said Paige.

"Barely," said Leo. "I brought up the fact that if you had to leave the manor it would leave the Nexus unprotected. They didn't like it but they had to admit that it wasn't an option to do that. They finally agreed to let me join but they said I had to drop my membership at the earliest possible opportunity."

"Which means in five years," said Phoebe. "Leo, we really are sorry about the jokes. But you have to admit it is kind of humorous when you think about it. A White Lighter joining a demonic union? Tell me that's not funny."

"Not at the moment," said Leo. "But at least this should get the workers back to work. We still have to figure out some way to keep from having to move out of the manor. I can't tell the Elders I'm doing this to protect the Nexus and then turn around and move out of the manor leaving the Nexus unprotected."

"We're still working on that," said Piper. "We're hoping to find some loophole or technicality that will allow us to stay in the manor. But I have to admit that's not going to be easy since we have absolutely no idea what rules apply in this situation."

"That is a problem," said Leo. "We have no idea what the rules and regulations say let alone what loopholes may be involved in them. Anyone got any ideas?"

"Mr. Marnia," said Piper, "is there anything that we can use that will keep us in the manor? Anything at all?"

"Not that I know of," said Marnia. "Look, I'm not looking forward to doing all this work. Especially since I've all ready given you a thirty percent discount on the work. But the financial consideration aside, I'm afraid that short of a miracle there's not much you can do to prevent it."

"Couldn't you talk to Mr. Mervin?" asked Phoebe. "Maybe get him to bend the rules just this once?"

"He's a bureaucracy demon," said Marnia. "Bureaucracy demons don't bend the rules. Ever. I'm afraid there's just nothing I can do about the situation. You'll have to be out of the manor by the day after tomorrow. Otherwise he will condemn the property and instead of doing the repairs I'll be demolishing the house. And I'd really hate to do that. This is a magnificent place. Not like those pre-fab jobs they put up today. No character in those. This place has more character than I've seen in many years."

"Maybe we could put a spell on the manor," suggested Phoebe. "Something to protect or hide the Nexus while we're out of it."

"You can't do that," said Leo. "No matter what spell you cast the power of the Nexus will bleed through it."

"Besides," said Marnia, "any spells you cast might interfere with the repairs. No telling what the magic from a spell would do to the upgrades. Although I have to admit I think most of the upgrades aren't all that necessary. But the law is the law. My job is not to interpret what the law says but to make all the necessary modifications to the manor the law requires."

"We understand," said Piper. "You're just doing your job. But we aren't leaving this house and that's final. You'll just have to get used to it."

"Well, if you don't vacate the premises," said Maria, "Mr. Mervin could, and most likely would, bring in enforcer demons to forcibly evict you. And your powers won't be of any use against them since the enforcer demons Mr. Mervin utilizes are also bureaucracy demons. You'll have to face facts, ma'am. One way or another you'll have to leave the house in the next forty-eight hours."


	8. Chapter 8

EIGHT

Piper literally threw some clothes into a suitcase in her bedroom. Leo stood by the bedroom door almost afraid to even speak to her. In all the time he had known her he had never seen her as mad as she was at this very moment.

"This is totally absurd," said Piper, throwing some more clothes into the suitcase. "We've owned the manor since Grams passed. She owned it before us. And her parents owned it before her. It's just incomprehensible to think we have to move out over a stupid water heater."

"You heard what Marnia said," said Leo. "If Mr. Mervin brings bureaucracy enforcer demons to evict you there isn't anything you can do to stop them. You know that bureaucracy demons are immune to your spells and powers."

"I can't believe we're being forced to do this," said Piper. "It's not our fault that no one put in those things. We shouldn't be held responsible for them."

"Unfortunately that's the way it is," said Leo. "But don't give up hope yet. The Elders told me they're going to do everything they can to find some way out of this."

"What do the Elders know about demonic bureaucratic rules and regulations?" Piper asked.

"They're having some of their people working on it right now," said Leo. "I'm sure they'll come up with something soon."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Piper snapped.

Cautiously the door opened. Cole stuck his head in the door.

"Am I interrupting anything?" he asked.

"No, no, not at all," said Leo. "What are you doing back here? I thought you were moving around to keep the bounty hunters off your trail."

"I am," said Cole. "I just wanted to ask a favor if I could. Piper, do you have ten dollars I could have?"

"You want to borrow money from me?" Piper asked. "Didn't being an ADA pay you well enough?"

"It's kind of a long story," said Cole. "I just need you to give me ten dollars. And if you could come down to the living room for a minute. There's something we need to discuss."

"Right now?" Piper asked, taking ten dollars out of her purse and handing it to Cole. "I am kind of busy right now being evicted from my ancestral home."

"Please," said Cole, "it's kind of important."

"We'll be right down," said Leo.

"Great," said Cole. "I'll see you in the living room in a few minutes."

Cole left the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Piper took her purse and threw it on the bed next to the partially packed suitcase.

"I guess we should be heading down to the living room," she said. "Cole sure has some lousy timing. Let's go see what he wants so I can get back to packing."

Leo and Piper left their bedroom and headed downstairs. When they got there, Cole, Phoebe, Paige, and even Marnia were all ready there. Piper walked over and plopped down on the sofa next to Phoebe. Leo took his normal position sitting on the arm of the sofa next to his wife.

"Now, what's so important, Cole?" Piper asked. "We still have to pack so we can move out of the manor within the next forty-eight hours."

"That's not going to be necessary," said Cole. He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his coat pocket. "I took the liberty of filing a writ for you in the Other World Judicial System. Now that you've retained me to represent you in this matter," he held up the ten dollars Piper had just given him, "I can serve the papers." He handed the folded paper to Marnia.

"What's this?" Marnia asked.

"It's a court order," said Cole. "It orders you to return to work immediately and replace the water heater."

"What's this all about, Cole?" Phoebe asked. "Since when does Piper need to hire you to be her attorney?"

"Since she's having so much trouble with bureaucracy demons," said Cole. "According to Other World Judicial Law, I couldn't become involved until Piper hired me. Unless an attorney is actively defending or prosecuting a case they aren't considered an officer of the court and have no legal standing to become involved."

"Become involved in what?" Marnia asked. "As far as I know there's no legal case here. It's a simple matter of installing a water heater."

"That's true," said Cole. "But there seems to be some matter of whether you are legally obligated to do that. Since the parties couldn't seem to come to an agreement I took the liberty of filing a Writ of Prohibition prohibiting you from stopping work on installing the water heater. Under this court order you have no choice but to continue with the legal contract you entered into with Piper."

"But the rules and regulations prohibit me from going ahead with the work," protested Marnia.

"Rules and regulations which are overridden by Other World law," said Cole. "Just as on the mortal plane, the law overrides any rules or regulations any institution has."

"I don't know," said Marnia. "I don't have the authority to override the decisions of an investigator."

"Then I suggest you get him here right away," said Cole. "The order is actually addressed to the Metaphysical Installation and Oversight Division so it's more appropriate that it be delivered to him."

"I'll be right back," said Marnia.

"Good," said Cole. "In the meantime I'll contact my paralegal and have him deliver the documents I'll be needing."

"Okay," said Marnia.

Marnia vanished from the manor. Cole pulled a crystal out of his pocket and rubbed it until it began to glow a bright green.

"Cole, what's going on?" Phoebe asked. "And since when did you get a paralegal? I didn't think you had any assistants since you left the District Attorney's Office."

"I think I found a way to keep you in the manor," said Cole. "As for my assistant let's just say I hired someone to do some piece work for me. A lot of attorney's do it. Hire someone to work for them on a piece by piece basis. I figured it would be in our best interest if I hired an expert to do some research for me in this matter."

"You hired a demon?" Piper asked. "Is that what you wanted the ten dollars for?"

"No," said Cole. "The ten dollars was for you to hire me to represent you in your case. I'll take care of my paralegal's fee myself."

"And just who did you hire as your paralegal?" Paige asked. "Barbas, the demon of fear?"

"Actually," said Cole, "what was needed was an expert in bureaucratic law. Which, of course, means a bureaucracy demon. They're the only ones who have any expertise in bureaucratic law."

"You're bringing another bureaucracy demon into the manor?" Piper asked. "Are you out of your mind? Don't we all ready have enough trouble with them?"

"Not in this case," said Cole. Just then a figure began to shimmer into the living room. "Oh, I see my paralegal is here."

Everyone watched as a small figure finished shimmering into the living room. He appeared very timid and he was holding a large book in his arms.

"Hey Piper, Phoebe, Paige," said the figure. "Hi Leo. It's really good to see you again."

"Elbert?" Piper questioned looking at the little bureaucracy demon stand in the living room shaking slightly.


	9. Chapter 9

NINE

"You hired Elbert as your paralegal?" Piper asked. "Does he have any legal experience or training?"

"Well, uh, no, that is, not exactly training, so to speak," said Elbert. "To be honest, no training at all, really."

"Hello, Elbert," said Phoebe. "It's nice to see you aren't shimmering into anyone's bathroom any more."

"Hi, Phoebe," said Elbert. "Yeah, I learned my lesson the last time. Oh, that was embarrassing, it sure was. Don't want to go through that again, no sirree, I surely do not."

"Cole," said Leo, "you obviously have some kind of plan. Just what are you up to?"

"Solving your problems for you," said Cole. "As I said, this is a problem dealing with bureaucracy demons so I needed someone to research some bureaucracy rules for me. Elbert is not only a bureaucracy demon he also has access to the largest legal library in the Underworld. I figured if anyone could find a loophole for us, he could."

"Hey, Elbert," said Paige. "You still in academia?"

"Uh, no," said Elbert, "but I am still a professor at the University for Wayward Administrative Associates. I got promoted to full professorship last month, in fact."

"That's great," said Paige. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," said Elbert. "Oh, Pudge, er, that is, I mean Cole, here's that information you wanted. It wasn't hard to find."

"Thanks, Elbert," said Cole, taking the book. "Now, once Mr. Mervin gets here we should be able to put this whole bad mess behind us."

Just then Marnia and Mr. Mervin appeared in the living room. Mr. Mervin was holding the piece of paper Cole had given to Marnia.

"What's the meaning of this?" Mr. Mervin demanded. "How dare you serve me with a Writ of Prohibition. I'm perfectly within my legal rights to enforce every regulation outlined in the violations. You have no right to involve the Other World Judicial System in this matter."

"Actually," said Cole, "Piper has every right to file suit if she feels she's being unfairly treated."

"Well, you don't have any standing to represent her in this matter," said Mr. Mervin. "As Marnia has explained to you, your membership in all demonic organizations was immediately suspended when you vanquished the Triad. Without a valid attorney's license you cannot legally practice law."

"That doesn't apply to the Other World Judicial System," said Cole. "Their rules governing attorneys is not governed by Other World treaties or regulations. The Other World Judicial System governs the licensing of attorneys and those licenses are not affected by any other penalties. Short of vanquishing, an attorney in good standing cannot have his license suspended or revoked. And since I'm obviously not vanquished I am legally permitted to represent any client in the Other World Court System."

"Very well," said Mr. Mervin. "But you still have no standing to dispute my decisions. They are all well within the rules and guidelines stipulated by the Other World Health, Welfare, and Safety regulations."

"Oh, we're not disputing your rulings at all," said Cole, opening the book Elbert had given him. He looked at the page he had opened to for a moment and then continued. "It is our contention that the Halliwell Manor is exempt from the regulations regarding the upgrades you have specified in the violations report."

"That's certainly not possible," said Mr. Mervin. "The presence of the Nexus on the premises requires that the strictest adherence to the rules and regulations be made. Such a powerful force can allow no deviation from these most basic safety precautions."

"I will refer you to book 12, section 33, paragraph 9, sub-paragraph 2 of the Rules and Regulations Governing the Health, Welfare, and Safety of Private Residential Structures and Publicly Accessible Structures," said Cole.

"They actually have a book with a title like that?" Paige asked.

"We are bureaucracy demons," said Elbert. "No sense making things simple and easy when you can complicate it just as easily."

"Of course," said Paige. "What was I thinking?"

Mr. Mervin took the book from Cole and began to read the passage Cole had indicated. He seemed to be confused for a bit and then his face registered a look of recognition.

"Well, I must say, it's been a long time since this was invoked," said Mr. Mervin. "I believe the last time was in the mid 50s."

"What's he talking about?" asked Piper.

"According to the regulation I cited," said Cole, "any rules or regulations instituted by the Other World Building Code affect only those structures completed after the date the rule or regulation was officially implemented. Any structures completed earlier than twenty-four hours prior to the implementation of the rule or regulation are exempt under the universal grandfather clause."

"However," said Mr. Mervin, "as specified in the regulation you cited, this applies only to the structures completed before the implementation of the rules and regulations based on my violations list. And most of the rules and regulations were implemented under the Revised and Annotated Structural Protection and Safety Act of 1920 which was officially implemented August 21, 1920, under the mortal calendar."

"And according to this affidavit signed and notarized by the District Clerk of the Other World District Clerk's Office, Buildings and Structures Department," said Cole, pulling out a piece of paper, "the Halliwell Manor was officially completed on May 18, 1906 and duly authorized and lawfully registered to Mr. Gordon Johnson and Mrs. P. Baxter-Johnson. Based on the grandfather clause of book 12, section 33, paragraph 9, sub-paragraph 2 of the Rules and Regulations Governing the Health, Welfare, and Safety of Private Residential Structures and Public Accessible Structures, I submit that the manor is exempt from the Revised and Annotated Structural Protection and Safety Act of 1920."

"It would appear you are correct," said Mr. Mervin. "Based on this new information my former ruling that the violations stipulated in the violations report are hereby set aside. I'm afraid until this matter can be completely cleared up in the court system you'll still have to vacate the premises, however. My previous ruling is a matter of public record and until it has been officially overturned by a judge the law requires that all formalities be observed. I can assure you it won't take more than two or three weeks to get this before a judge to issue all the proper documents to allow you to reinhabit the structure."

"About that," said Cole, pulling out another paper, "I had a chat with a judge who happens to owe me a favor. He said if you'd be willing to sign this affidavit stating that the manor is exempt from the violations he'd be willing to issue the proper documents immediately. And he said he'd even have copies of the signed orders shimmered to your office for your records."

"Well," said Mr. Mervin, "considering all the trouble you obviously went through to get this all done, I suppose it can't hurt. Plus it will save me a great deal of paperwork, what with sending all the requisite requests and such for the paperwork. Very well. Providing the judge is willing to shimmer the paperwork to me before the end of business tomorrow."

"My paralegal, Elbert, will be more than happy to shimmer them as soon as the judge signs them," said Cole. "And the judge is waiting to get this affidavit so he can sign the paperwork."

Mr. Mervin took out a pen and signed the affidavit.

"I assume I'll be provided with a certified copy of the affidavit as well?" he questioned.

"Absolutely," said Cole. "We appreciate the assistance in the matter."

"Well, everything seems to be in order," said Mr. Mervin. "Which is going to make my job a whole lot easier. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an alchemists' lab to reinspect for the third time. And I have to be honest, I'm not confident of the outcome."

Mr. Mervin suddenly vanished from the living room.

"That's it?" Piper asked. "It's all over?"

"That's it," said Cole, turning to Marnia. "I assume this will mean you can get to work right away and replace the water heater?"

"Absolutely," said Marnia. "There is one little matter to deal with, however. The workers are willing to return to work provided that all those involved with the unauthorized work done on the old water heater are willing to join the union to alleviate them of any responsibility for work done by unauthorized technicians. Mr. Wyatt has all ready joined the union. I understand you also helped with the work. If you could join the union, purely on a temporary basis, it would prevent another dispute like we had before."

"That won't be necessary," said Cole. "If you'll check you'll find I'm a member of the Brotherhood of the Thorn. Because of the variety of work necessary for the types of assignments the Brotherhood is given, they have a standing membership in the Universal Union of Demonic Orders and Structures which, I believe, also includes the same union your workers belong to."

"Well, that's certainly true," said Marnia. "As a member of the Brotherhood of the Thorn you would certainly be considered a member in good standing with the Other World Menial Labor and Specialized Technical Workers Union. That will make the workers happy. Not to mention that as a member in good standing technically the work all ready done was done under the supervision of a union worker."

"Great," said Cole. "Then I expect this entire incident will be finished very soon."

"On that you can count," said Marnia. "I'll get on it right away."

Marnia turned and headed for the kitchen to supervise the installation of the new water heater.


	10. Chapter 10

TEN

"I don't know how you did it, Cole," said Piper, "but it looks like we owe you a debt of thanks. It seems you helped us save the manor."

"You can thank Elbert," said Cole, slapping the smaller demon on the back. "He did all the work. And quite admirably I must stay."

"Oh, it was nothing," said Elbert. "All I had to do was identify the primary problem, and then cross-reference it with previous similar conditions. Then it was a simple matter to research any rulings and statues that apply to those conditions and the final outcome of any appeals that were applicable. From there is was easy to cross reference this information with any new laws or regulations instituted since the rulings were originally made and cross reference those with other rulings that might affect the laws and regulations but that were entered in a different area of law.

"It was actually a very simple matter, really. But I must say I seem to have gotten rusty at it since I entered the university. It took me nearly thirty minutes to locate the basic regulations and another twenty minutes to locate the citation that Pudge, I mean, Cole, cited to Mr. Mervin. I can remember a time when I could have done it all in fifteen minutes or less."

"That's all?" questioned Paige. "You did all that in less than an hour?"

"I know," said Elbert. "I'm dreadfully slow. I plan to keep my hand in it and maybe I can get my speed back up. Practice makes perfect as they say. I wonder who are the 'they' that say all these things?"

"Nevertheless," said Cole, handing the affidavit to Elbert. "If you could get this to the judge right away I'd appreciate it."

"No problem," said Elbert. "I'll take it over as soon as I leave here."

"You did an outstanding job, Elbert," said Cole. "Because of you the girls can stay in the manor and you saved them a whole lot of work. I'd say the girls owe you a debt of gratitude."

"Aww, it wasn't nothing," said Elbert. "That is what you hired me for."

"Even so," said Piper, "we do owe you a great deal, Elbert. I have to apologize to you. I've never seen much use for bureaucracy demons. I always thought they were a pain in the neck. I can see now that at least some of them can actually do a whole lot of good."

"They're right, Elbert," said Phoebe. "You did us a favor and we won't forget it."

She kissed Elbert on the cheek and Elbert immediately began to shimmer in and out uncontrollably.

"I see some things never change," said Paige, laughing.

"And probably never will," said Cole. "Elbert will always be Elbert, I'm afraid."

"We wouldn't want him any other way," said Phoebe.

"Excuse me," said Marnia, standing in the entryway to the manor.

"What is it?" Piper asked. "Don't tell me there's another problem with the water heater?"

"No, no, not a problem exactly," said Marnia. "More like a clarification." He held up what looked like some kind of electronic device. "This was on the old water heater in the basement. It's called a Safety Release Valve. It releases the pressure built up in the water heater when it reaches a preset level to prevent the water heater from blowing up."

"Okay," said Piper. "What about it?"

"Well," said Marnia, "when we started to remove the old water heater I did a cursory inspection of it to see exactly what had gone wrong with it. Apparently this is the only thing that's wrong with it. It seems to have gone bad and was allowing the water to simply pour through the water heater. That's what caused the basement to flood."

"Okay, so the valve thingy went bad," said Phoebe. "So what? I don't see your point."

"My point," said Marnia, "is that you don't need a new water heater. The one you have down there now seems to be perfectly good despite its age. And after looking it over I'd say it will probably last a good many years before you need to replace the entire unit."

"So how much is this pressure valve thing going to cost to replace?" Piper asks.

"I don't know for sure," said Marnia. "I'll have to check the specific type to know exactly which one to replace it with. But I would imagine it's going to cost you about seven or eight dollars to replace it. And it shouldn't take more than ten minutes or so to change them out."

"Eight dollars?" Piper questioned, her temper beginning to rise. "You mean I spent seven hundred dollars for a new water heater, went through this whole mess with the inspector, was nearly evicted from my home, had my husband forced to join a demonic union, and all for an eight dollar piece of equipment?"

"Hey, I didn't know what was wrong with it," said Marnia. "I was told the water heater had gone bad and needed to be replaced. It's not my fault no one did a proper inspection before I got here."

"I don't believe it," said Piper, doing her best to keep her temper under control. "All the hassle, all the problems, all the harassment, and all for a piece equipment that costs less than ten dollars. I suppose it will cost a small fortune to have an authorized technician replace this piece."

"Actually," said Marnia, "union regulations don't address replacing small parts like this. Anyone can do it as long as they know how to do it."

Without a word Piper just turned and slowly made her way to the stairs. Leo started to follow her when Phoebe suddenly took his arm stopping him.

"Maybe you'd better let her have some alone time," Phoebe whispered to Leo. "When Piper gets like this there's no telling what she's likely to do. You don't want her blowing you up do you?"

"Good point," Leo whispered back. He turned to Cole. "Maybe you and I should make ourselves scarce for a while. Give her some time to cool off."

"Good idea," said Cole. "I'm thinking we're not her most favorite people right about now. Come on. I know a place we can go where we should be safe for several hours."

"Did I do something wrong?" Elbert asked as Leo orbed and Cole shimmered out of the manor. "I hope she's not angry with me. She's a real nice lady. I wouldn't want her mad at me."

"No, Elbert, you're okay," said Paige. "She's just upset because after everything she's gone through and then we find out it could all have been avoided pretty easily. Still, it's probably best if we leave her alone for now. Like Leo said, give her some time to cool off."

"Okay," said Elbert. "I guess I need to get the affidavit filed for Cole. I have an appointment I need to get to."

"What kind of appointment?" Phoebe asked.

"I don't really know," said Elbert. "I got a message from Kringe. He's a senior bureaucracy demon. He said something about needing to see me about some old tradition he's discovered."

"An old tradition?" questioned Paige. "You know a lot about demonic traditions?"

"As much as anyone else I guess," said Elbert. "He probably wants me to do some research just like Cole wanted me to do. I'm real good at doing research, you know."

"Yeah, I figured that," said Paige.

"Okay, well, I guess I should be going," said Elbert. "It was nice to see you again. Hope we get a chance to see each other again real soon."

"Yeah, maybe," said Phoebe uneasily.

Elbert shimmered out of the manor leaving Phoebe and Paige alone in the living room.

The End

If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more "Charmed" stories at my website, You can also post your own "Charmed" stories if you like to write fan fiction.


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